THE KING OF THE SHEEP
(The mystery of the sheep, the sword, and the two potbellies)
Absurdist Fairy Tale
By Benjamin Gavarre
A profound existential drama resolved, quite literally, at the bottom of a well. Well, maybe it's just an absurd farce. Or maybe not.
bengavarre@gmail.com
CHARACTERS:
- BELA: The young bride. Sweet, naive, and pure of heart.
- ADAM: The gentle and heroic suitor. Everyone notices how extraordinarily handsome he is, and he does nothing but politely agree.
- UNCLE BEN: An older man, kind and protective. Loves sheep. Hides a great secret.
- BALTUS: Bela's evil stepfather. Fat, greedy, and avaricious.
- GASTON THE BAD: The despicable suitor. Just as fat and evil as Baltus, but much more deceitful.
(Staging Note: The play has an absurd and highly theatrical tone. Set changes happen in full view of the audience. The "guests" at the court and the wedding are not actors, but painted wooden silhouettes mounted on easels that stagehands move back and forth).
ONE-ACT PLAY
SCENE 1: THE STORM AND THE SACRIFICE
(The stage is dark. A painted backdrop depicting a gloomy forest unrolls from the ceiling. Loud thunderclaps, made by shaking metal sheets in the wings, ring out. UNCLE BEN enters, struggling to walk, shielding BELA with an enormous cape. In the background, a dramatic "Baaaa, baaaa!" of sheep suffering in the storm can be heard).
BELA: (Trembling dramatically) Oh, Uncle Ben! What a dismal forest! My friends ran to their houses, but you stayed to protect me from the shadows!
UNCLE BEN: (Looking back in pain, reaching out toward the sound of the bleating) My poor little sheep... I’ve left them out in the hail just to escort you home! But fear not, Bela. No cardboard wolf or mud puddle shall touch your little shoes.
BELA: You are so good, Uncle Ben. Soon I will marry Adam and everything will be happiness. My stepfather Baltus has already given us his blessing.
UNCLE BEN: (Squints his eyes, mysteriously, as another thunderclap sounds) Mmmm... Baltus... that man has a heart darker than the bottom of a dry well. Keep your eyes open, child.
(Uncle Ben leaves her in front of a wooden door held up by a stagehand and runs in slow motion toward the opposite side, shouting, "Hold on, my woolly friends!").
SCENE 2: THE ANNOUNCED TRAGEDY
(Bright lighting. Two stagehands remove the forest backdrop, revealing a backdrop with golden columns. Other stagehands enter carrying easels with painted wooden silhouettes representing the GUESTS, arranging them like grandstands in the background. BALTUS, with an immense belly covered in fake jewels, stands on a podium. ADAM smiles at Bela).
BALTUS: (Clearing his throat, with a raspy, evil voice) Ladies, gentlemen, and wooden guests! Today is the announcement of my stepdaughter Bela's wedding.
ADAM: (Steps forward, striking a heroic pose) Here I am, future father-in-law! Ready to bring my kindness and protection to the family.
(A stagehand hidden behind the wooden figures speaks in a high-pitched woman's voice, sighing: "Oh, but what a marvelously handsome boy!").
ADAM: (Runs his hand through his hair, nodding politely) I appreciate the compliment, wooden lady. It is a natural gift, I must admit.
BALTUS: (Laughs with a hoarse cackle) Silence, you pretty little doll! Bela will not marry you! I call to the stage the most deceitful, wealthy, and round man in the county... GASTON THE BAD!
(Enter GASTON THE BAD, just as potbellied as Baltus, laughing uproariously while picking his teeth with a gold toothpick. Bela bursts into tears, covering her face).
GASTON THE BAD: Hello, gorgeous! Get ready to iron my giant shirts.
ADAM: (Furious, draws a wildly exaggerated, shiny sword) Never! I, Adam, challenge you to a duel to the death, Gaston the Bad! En garde!
(Adam flourishes the sword very quickly, but clumsily trips. The sword flies out of his hand and hits Gaston right in the belly. Gaston's eyes widen like saucers).
GASTON THE BAD: (Clutching his stomach, overacting brutally) Aaah! He has mortally wounded me! I feel the cold steel! I'm going to die a Virgin! (Falls to his knees making a tremendous scene).
BALTUS: (Bends down to check on him, frowning) Oh, get up, you buffoon! It barely tore your vest and gave you a tiny scratch on your belly button! A virgin?
GASTON THE BAD: (Looking at his belly) Ah! Really? Oh, thank goodness! No, the virgin thing is just an expression... ahem... I got confused. This was a deeply traumatic experience.
(Swoons dramatically into Baltus's arms).
UNCLE BEN: (Watching from a corner, only his head peeking out from behind a wooden guest) Ah, tragedies can strike suddenly! The villain received nothing but a scratch, but... he could have died, and a virgin!
(The stagehands move the heads of the wooden guests up and down, nodding solemnly. One of them laughs at the virgin part).
(Baltus drags Gaston offstage. Two guards grab Bela, and a cardboard jail cell with bars is lowered from the ceiling, locking her inside for all to see).
SCENE 3: THE PLAN IN THE SHADOWS
(The lights dim to a moody blue. Bela is behind the bars. Uncle Ben tiptoes in. Adam follows right behind him).
BELA: Adam! Uncle Ben! How did you get past the guards?
UNCLE BEN: I offered them money... you know, everyone loves money! A little stash I had saved up somewhere, hahaha! (Adam and Bela look at him with a "yeah, yeah, we get it, how funny" expression). Listen: tomorrow is the wedding. Bela, you will have to pretend to go along with it. When you are at the altar, Adam, you will burst in and we will stop everything.
ADAM: That I will! I won't let them snatch you from my side. Tomorrow justice, and my excellent profile, will triumph.
UNCLE BEN: Well said. Now sleep, for I must go tuck in a little lamb who is afraid of the dark.
SCENE 4: THE ALTAR, THE BELLY FIGHT, AND KING BEN, DEFENDER OF THE INNOCENT
(The lights come up full blast. The stagehands quickly hoist the cardboard jail back into the ceiling and place an altar center stage. The wooden guest figures are flipped around and now display joyous wedding faces. Baltus, Bela, and Gaston are at the altar. Just as Gaston is about to put the ring on Bela, Adam comes running in).
ADAM: HALT! Stop the wedding! Bella, I love you too much to leave you in the hands of this crook!
BALTUS: (Laughing uproariously) You're too late, pretty boy! Gaston and I just signed the nuptial contract. His immense riches and his lands will now be legally joined to mine.
GASTON THE BAD: (With a crooked smile) My riches? You mean YOURS, YOU WALKING TUB OF LARD! I swapped the nuptial contract papers at the last second! The signature you just stamped was to hand over your entire fortune to me!
BALTUS: WHAT?!... YOU WICKED SWINDLER.... YOU'RE THE WALKING TUB OF LARD.
(Gaston lunges at Baltus. A comical fight begins. Their bellies collide, making the sound of a muffled drum. They pull each other's cheeks and roll around the floor clumsily. Suddenly, a stagehand loses his balance and pushes a large prop column that is about to fall right on top of Baltus).
BELA: (Running in slow motion, stretching her arms toward him in a wildly melodramatic fashion) Oh, my wicked FAKE father! I shall save you, father! Bad, bad stepfather, I will save you!
(Bela pushes Baltus just in time and saves him, falling to the floor unharmed herself. Everyone at the wedding, including the fighters, freezes in silence. They stare at Bela, utterly confused).
BALTUS: (From the floor, panting) Bela... I was going to sell you to this ruffian... I am the worst stepfather in the world. Why did you save me?
BELA: (Shrugging, with pure innocence) I couldn't let you get squashed, stepfather. I suppose it just came naturally to me.
ADAM: She is an angel, Baltus. Her heart knows no resentment.
GASTÓN THE BAD: Enough of this sappy nonsense! Since I am now the owner of everything, I'm throwing you all out into the street! You are entirely in penury! (Facing their bewildered looks at the rare word 'penury') I mean that now you are all poor... POOR!
(Uncle Ben, who was watching from a corner, steps forward and blocks his path with crossed arms).
UNCLE BEN: I'm afraid that contract is invalid, Gaston the Bad. Because neither Baltus nor you are the true owners of these lands.
GASTON THE BAD: Oh, really? And who is the owner, old shepherd?
UNCLE BEN: These lands, this castle, and every last radish in the garden, are the exclusive property of... The Vanished Ancient King!
BALTUS: But the King vanished many years ago without a trace!
UNCLE BEN: I didn't vanish... (He slowly takes off his old, battered straw hat, revealing a small but brilliant golden crown underneath) I left without saying goodbye because I discovered I preferred the noble and silent art of herding sheep! I am the King!
(Everyone says AAAH OHHH in shock. The stagehands quickly spin the wooden guest silhouettes around so they now display faces with their mouths open in an "AHHH and OOOH" shape).
BALTUS and GASTON: (Instantly fall to their knees, trembling) Vanished Majesty! King defender of the innocent! Mercy, oh great lord of the helpless giant sheep!
UNCLE BEN: I shall banish this pair of villains from the kingdom. Adam, you are the aggrieved party. Tell them what their punishments shall be before they go.
ADAM: (Nodding gallantly... and checking his fingernails while he thinks) Ummm. Ammm... They shall clean all the latrines and the stinking drains. They will deep-clean the smelly, abandoned wells... And they will bathe the filthiest pigs every Sunday!
GASTON THE BAD: I will never smell like a filthy pig!
(Gaston jumps up and runs frantically across the stage. Baltus gets up and chases after him).
BALTUS: Get back here! I'm not cleaning everything all by myself! (Baltus chases Gaston. Gaston looks back as he runs and doesn't see a circular stone wall simulating a well at the edge of the stage. They crash into the well and both tumble headfirst inside. Only their chubby legs can be seen kicking in the air).
GASTON THE BAD: (Muffled voice from inside) Your belly is crushing me! You ball of grease! You walking pig!
BALTUS: (Muffled voice) Get your shoe out of my nose, you old Virgin!
GASTON THE BAD: I'M NOT A VIRGIN, I SWEAR!
BELA: (Approaching the well) Good heavens! Should we pull them out?
ADAM: They're clever enough when it comes to mischief. I'm sure they'll figure a way out... eventually. Let them stay down there a while and reflect. Maybe Gaston... No, no, that's saying too much.
EVA: (Laughs and makes supposedly obscene gestures) Adam, you cheeky devil.
(Suddenly, a SHEEP enters, played by an actor in a very obvious costume made of cotton balls. It walks up to the King / Uncle Ben and affectionately butts him with its head).
UNCLE BEN: (Petting the sheep) Well, you dirty-minded kids... evil is stuck at the bottom of a well, and our kingdom is at peace again. How about you come with me and I'll show you the two newborn lambs?
BELA: But... what about our wedding?
UNCLE BEN: Ah, there will be plenty of time to get married. You have to think these things through. Besides, weddings in the palace give me allergies. Let's go!
(Adam gallantly offers his arm to Bella. They both smile and follow Uncle Ben and the sheep. Balthus and Gaston's feet continue to kick comically out of the well to the rhythm of the final music).
CURTAIN
